Plight of the Traveler
by Ambiguousalamony
Summary: Modern Mafia AU. Post TS Luffy and his merry Mafia are told by the Powers That Be that they need to travel half way across the world. And it won't be on a cruise ship. But mainly, join Zoro as he's subjected to the various perils of the airlines. Including lost luggage, turbulence, and security checks. Perhaps hints of pairings later.


**I got the idea for this token of madness from ****_Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need_****. Look it up on Amazon, the man knows his comedy. He also sums up my feelings about any and all airlines ever. After a particularly hair-raising incident, my family has pledged to only travel by car. Even if my mother wants to go back to France and visit the Louvre.**

**Now, the part you're really interested in: Why is Luffy in the Mafia?! Is he even rubber? How is Zoro going to sneak his swords on the plane? Does he even ****_have_**** swords?! What about Franky? Or Brooke?! Etc, etc, etc. **

**Yeah, that's way too much explanation for just the Author's Notes. **

**. . . Chapter 1 – Escapade in Bribery**

Why. What did he do? WHY?

Zoro couldn't particularly believe the situation the crew had gotten him into. First, Nami sent him out to find Sanji. She gave him the wrong directions, of course. Enies Lobby all over again. Roronoa had meandered his way around Central Park, and eventually ran into Nami. She then started screaming about how Sanji had been a block away getting groceries, and once he got home, the crew had started to panic. They figured Zoro had gotten lost again, and they'd been scouring the city for the better part of an hour looking for him.

_Not my fault if you give lousy instructions . . ._ Zoro growled all the way back to the apartment as Nami called off the search. With everyone safely home, Robin thought it would be a good idea to discuss the higher-ups' current orders- that the Straw Hats were to take over "negotiations" in Italy.

Yesterday.  
They had been originally given an hour to pack and, would be promptly shipped off to airline hell afterwards.*

. . .

With ten minutes to get to the airport, the crew was crammed into a very small, very uncomfortable cab. Think of it this way: Four seats, a trunk, and a roof. Nine Straw Hats to fit inside this rickety death trap. The girls (and Chopper, the rat) took the front seats. The _spacious_ front seats.

Oh, and did Zoro mention Chopper was miraculously small enough to sit on Robin's lap? Honestly, sometimes he suspected the kid could change size . . .

The boys were far less comfortable crammed in the back row. At least Sanji, Brook, Zoro, and Usopp eventually managed to fold themselves in a complicated pretzel-like formation. And they had it better than Franky, who had been unceremoniously thrown in the trunk.

Their leader had long since claimed the roof, and was probably still strapping himself down when Nami took off like a mad woman. She drove like a demon towards Tetorboro Airport, and the twenty + minute trip was cut down to five.  
Franky's rocket boosters also helped . . . but mainly with the flying over traffic jams.  
With Nami at the wheel, you had to consider avoiding head-on collisions an art. She would surely say a little thing like twin-engine rockets with auto stabilizers was nothing.

. . .

While getting to the airport was easy, parking was a much, much harder accomplishment. Finally, Zoro found himself kicked out the cab and ordered to threaten the nearest druggy-gangster-wannabe-whatever to surrender his spot. Probably the easiest mission he'd been given yet. Also a refreshing change of pace.

"You. Spot. Now." Was really all Roronoa needed to say to get people moving. Very convenient, this New York City. Friendly too.

Thus starteth Zoro's real troubles.

. . .

**Customs.** Ugh. The bane of every bad*** Mafia swordsman's existence.

All three of them.

But it was surprisingly fun. Right off the bat, the metal detector caught him with an iron tie clip*, a steel ring*, and three scalpels* Zoro forgot were hiding in his sock.

That was just the tip of the iceberg.

Would-be passengers stared in awe as a joke eyepatch*, a pair of spiked fingerless gloves*, a suspiciously spikey bookmark* . . . the crowd unconsciously leaned forward, eyes bugged out, waiting for the next item. What could it be? A whip? A gun? A bomb?!

No such luck. The remaining contents of the bag were three ancient-looking swords, and of all things, a harmonica*.

Zoro smiles despite himself.

. . .  
Even though he was completely screwed to ****.

"Listen, Sir." The 20-something sniffed, seeming to be more of the rent-a-cop type than trained professional. "I know you might think it's funny to hold up the line with all this metal . . . stuff. But it's my duty to confiscate this crap, launch an investigation, blah, blah, blah. Lotta work for me, lotta paper work. Only thing I'd get out of it is some time in the interrogation room . . . If my boss doesn't decide she likes the look of ya, anyhow. But this can all be forgotten. All ya gotta do is pay me a . . . service charge. Now how does that sound?"

That sounded like a combination of bribery and high way robbery.  
Unfortunately only one was illegal.

Even more unfortunate, this could have been avoided.

Zoro had been explicitly ordered to ship his swords on ahead. (The weapons he kept on hand were ignored, as the higher-ups figured he had enough common sense to leave them at home.) It was, of course, a perfectly reasonable order, to a normal person. But a normal person wasn't semi-permanently bonded to their weapons, and even fewer normal people could cut through **_inches _**of steel with just the swing of a sword.

For that skill, Zoro figured he could get away with acting like a prima donna.

So the ex-bounty hunter had decided to (metaphorically) flip airport security the bird, and deal with the paper work as it came. Luffy had recruited a swordsman, not a martial artist (. . . though perhaps that was giving him too much credit) like Sanji.

Where the swordsman went, his swords followed. No exceptions.*  
Now he just had to get them on the plane without causing a riot. Why were Robin and her silver tongue, Nami and her sex appeal, or Usopp and his lies always just out of reach?

At least the security guard was easy pickings-young, male, carrying a taser, excruciatingly unthreatening. His ultimate move was probably "Barge Into (Female) Customer's Suitcases For Absolutely No Reason."

Airlines getting budget cuts too, eh?

Much as he hated to make himself a target, or even more of a spectacle, Zoro figured it was time to pull out one of Franky's (in)famous fake badges.  
But he'd better disarm the guard, before his taser had the swordsman convulsing on the floor.

Just a quick flick of the wrist . . . and crisis averted. Zoro rooted around in his suit pocket for the right identification, relieved he had at least remembered to leave the Hell's Angels insignia on his dresser.  
That would have been awkward.

"Air Martial official business," Zoro fixed the security guard, named _Steve_, with his most venomous glare. Steve broke into a cold sweat.

"_TOP SECRET_ official business. You wouldn't want to get in the way of that, would you?" Steve quickly shook his head "no". Like a good little minion.

"Now that that's clear, let me through or I'll have to have a nice, long, _descriptive_ chat with your _superiors_. But hey, don't worry too much. I wouldn't dare challenge a guy's character if he isn't able to speak up for himself."

Stupidly, the lackey brightened in foolish hope.

"I'll just make sure you're in the room."

Defeated, the security guard let Zoro through. Struck dumb. _I've still got it._

Fairly satisfied with himself, the swordsman joined his friends outside a gigantic glass window. They watched the planes land and come back, walking half the length of the airport, with plenty of time to spare, until they found their gate.

Maybe this trek around the world won't be so bad after all.

**. . . **

***For the picky reader, Luffy and company are in their own little Mafia family. One that is not particularly wealthy. Chartering a private plane to avoid all this hassle? Uh, uh. Not with their budget. And this mysterious higher power? A configuration of Mafia families with way more power than the Straw Hats currently possess. Until Luffy claims his grandfather's title, that is. **

***Birthday gift from Sanji. He said it would help Zoro look more like a "man of legitimate business" and less like the Family hired muscle. It didn't really work, but he took a shine to it. The swordsman used it to stab a guy's eye out once.  
After proving its worth, Zoro never leaves home without it. **

***Engraved with the Family motto "In all things, friendship" and identifying him as a member. Luffy personally presented it to his very first recruit. The ring remains his one and only piece of untarnished jewelry. **

***Chopper had let him borrow them a few months ago and forgot to ask for their return. Opera houses don't typically let you carry a Katana onto the premises. **

***From Franky. The patch was made of black leather with a detachable (exploding) shirikin clipped to the eye part, innocently disguised as a spikey design. Hey, a guy has to wear something to the Halloween office party. **

***Christmas present from Nami. A reason to look forward to winter, and always added a satisfying little something to every punch. Judging by the red tarnish the spikes are starting to take on, Zoro might do well to clean them more often. **

***A Chrome-plated velvet-tailed wonder given by Robin herself. Useful for cutting carotid arteries or saving one's place in ****_Power Napping For Dummies_****. **

***Brook's idea of a birthday gag-gift. "In case you ever get incarcerated. Might as well entertain yourself, yohohoho!" The man obsessed with skeletons and music had been right, to a degree. One time Zoro found himself infiltrating maximum-security prison in search of vital information. His roommate had been . . . overly affectionate . . . and Zoro had taken much pleasure in stuffing it down the man's throat. The poor instrument had never quite sounded the same. **

***You know, unless he's been drugged, disarmed, and under torture. Then they might be apart for a little while.**

**End Chapter 1! That was probably too many footnotes, wasn't it? Well, you had to get introduced to Mafia!Zoro somehow. And while he isn't as powerful as his original version, I'd like to think he makes up for it with adaptability and a backbone of steel.**

**Though admittedly the old Zoro could adapt to anything by merely napping through it, and after surviving Mihawk, possessed a backbone of adamantium. **

**Eh, this is set in the real world. Expectations are lower. **

**Omake:**

With his swords on the line, taser crackling in his nose, Zoro found himself panicking. It was a rather strange feeling and he didn't like it at all. With few options left, he stumbled upon one lone through in a pool of chaos: What Would Nami Do?  
He was indeed hopelessly desperate to ask such a question, but Nami got her way, and had so far lived to tell the tale.

But in this situation? What could she do?  
Something either illegal or disturbingly sexual. Even if there were small children present.  
While illegal had a better chance of working, sexual was less likely to get him locked in jail for mass murder.

Yeah, from the way Steve was eyeing Nami's rear, Zoro highly doubted the lecher was interested in anything he had to offer. The feeling was decidedly mutual, but he needed his swords and Nami was too far away to signal. A shame, she would have been perfect for this job.

Wait a second.

Five foot tall Chopper. Beautiful, hairy, five foot tall Chopper. The next guy in line, he would be the perfect carrier pidgin. And the teenager was just small and cute enough to get away if he was caught. Zoro quickly signed for Chopper's pick-up, mind racing for a distraction.

Luffy? Too busy eating.  
Sanji? Meh . . . This situation was embarrassing enough as it was. Plus the chain smoker was too busy eyeing Robin. Thank God.  
Brook? Already causing a distraction with his singing, and Kid Security remained unaffected.  
Robin? No. Just no. Even Zoro wasn't crazy enough to consider that option. Yet.  
Franky . . .? Yeah, they kind of need the terminal intact . . .

Well, back to plan A.

Zoro unbuttoned the first two rows on his green dress shirt, made what he hoped was an alluring grin*, and sat directly on the edge of bag counter. He made sure his face was no more than a half-inch from Steve's, and planned on keeping it that way for the next thirty seconds. No matter how humiliating.  
He jerked his head at Chopper, telling him to get his reindeer-loving butt in gear.

Time to use those cheesy pickup lines Sanji spouted as most breathed.

"Ya know, I love a guy in uniform." If possible, the swordsman made his fake smile all the wider.  
_The better to eat you with, my dear._

Pressing further, Zoro continued "So, do you come here often?" Steve, slightly terrified, found the fortitude to answer this time. Chopper swiftly approached the Black Duffle Weapon Cache.  
"Y-yeah. It's kinda my job."

At least the creeper was no longer inspecting Nami like a plate of prime rib, terrified for his life. The swordsman remained oblivious.

"So this is your _day_ job." Zoro scooched forward as Chopper picked up the bag. Steve took a giant step back. "You're free all night, then?" The teenage doctor streaked around the corner and out of sight, leaving Zoro, Steve, and various terrified onlookers in his wake.

While the thoroughly rusted gears in Steve's head attempted to turn, the swordsman took the opportunity to grab his remaining gear and get the **** out of Dodge.

_That actually seemed to work, maybe there's something to this seduction crap. _

. . . .

*It made him look more like a horny shark.


End file.
